Tag Archives: Song

On My Mind

Tiny Win

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I’m not much into competition, but I won today and I feel like celebrating while the win lasts. Therefore, this post.

Going to and from work today took a long time. 85 minutes there. 110 minutes back. Dark when I left and dark when I got home. Not pleasant. I was frustrated about this when I got home, frustrated because it’s supposed to rain tomorrow and I hate running in the rain, which meant I had to run today. In the dark. Again.

So I compromised. I talked myself into a short run. Less than 30 minutes. Less than 4 miles.

Okay?

Fine. If you say so.

And then I did two things that made a huge difference.

  1. I wrote to a friend, “I’m having such a hard time.” I said a few other things, too, but admitting that I am struggling took a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying. I have talked openly about this to a few people recently, but felt physically better today.
  2. I swapped motivational workout messages with another friend before heading out for said workout. And took a picture of my fun neon clothes. Now I had to make those clothes worth something.

I got outside, started my watch, and flew.

Flew.

For the first time in months, I was running for me. For me. Not out of anger or frustration. Not out of incompetence or inadequacy. Not away from something or towards something else. Not letting various narratives play out in my head. Just running.

For the first time in months, I didn’t pause to stare into the East River and think about how deep the water is. I didn’t look up at the bridges and think about how high they are.

I just ran.

Song in my head? “Jessie’s Girl.” That one has come up before, but I haven’t heard it in a while. I’ve always enjoyed that song. I used to listen to it thinking about how lucky that girl was to be so loved.

But tonight was different.

Tonight I thought about all the women I am so lucky to know who are so loved by so many. I thought about how beautiful they are, in all the ways. I thought about everything I admire in these women, as individuals and collectively. I was overcome with pride at having such people in my life, people I try to emulate.

I ran feeling good, happy, and whole for the first time since this nightmare began a few months ago.

I didn’t look at my watch until I got back and yes, the run was quick.

But it doesn’t even matter.

Demons, I beat you today.

And I will carry this torch with me into tomorrow.

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Education, Singapore

For Good

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At times of goodbye, the song “For Good” from the musical Wicked plays on a loop in my head. When I was in high school, the seven senior girls in my choir sang, recorded, and performed a really beautiful SSA rendition that I’m listening to as I write this. Those words were as true in 2008 as they are in 2016.

Today was a hard day.

Today I said goodbye to my school and to so many wonderful, inspiring educators and friends. They said some nice things. I said some nice things. Except for losing the ability to speak (and breathe) during a goodbye “speech” that I had to give about a particularly close friend, I held myself together okay.

I have done so much growing this year, thanks to all of them.

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you

Thank you to those who taught me MYP, DP, ATLs, LOs, and SOIs; how to grade out of 7; who to go to for help about this, that, or the other; how map units in Atlas; when to speak up and when to sit and listen; how to avoid crossing the field in the rain; what to do in case of chaos, disaster, or mosquito bites on camp.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart

Thank you to those who I looked forward to seeing on the mat every Tuesday; who were always excited for the hawker on Friday; who came to lunch with a story, a quip, and a comment for everything; who seriously answered and encouraged even the most naïve questions; who challenged and supported; who laughed at me sometimes and with me always.

Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

Thank you to those who have touched my life this year.

I am a better person, educator, and friend for having known you. Thank you for the part you have played in this adventure.

The world itself is a big place and I am lucky enough to have friends in a lot of those places. None of us is a stranger to distance, choices, messaging apps, or long plane rides. I’ll see you again, in your country (wherever that is) or mine (wherever I end up).

Until then, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I’m so glad to have met you.

Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

Wishing you all the best in your lives and your journeys, now and always.

On My Mind

You’ve Got a Friend in Me

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As I’ve gotten older and moved around, I’ve come to truly understand the value of friendship. There are a lot of people I am lucky enough to call friends, but significantly fewer I feel connected to without ever having to explain why and regardless of distance or the passage of time. One of those friends came to visit me this weekend after traveling for work, which he does several times a year. Our first trip together was to visit a friend in St. Louis, Missouri a few summers ago and we’ve since met up in Hong Kong and Krabi following his other work trips. It was wonderful to show him around Singapore and introduce him to my people here. My American world and overseas world are very different places and I am so glad they collided this weekend.

Lucas and I have been friends since the beginning of our freshman year of high school. We were 14 when we met and remained in the same group of friends throughout our high school years. We ended up going to the same university, which was large enough that we never would have crossed paths had we not already known each other. He came to my college graduation (two years before his because of our programs) and Lucas’s college graduation is the only one I have ever attended besides my own. We have had twelve years of history together and countless experiences. Lucas has shaken me back down to Earth on more than one occasion, encouraged me to evaluate and reevalute my choices, and unequivocally supported the decisions I’ve made. I don’t want to speak for him, but I believe I’ve acted in kind. Suffice to say we’ve learned, grown, changed, and are always looking forward to the next adventure. Here’s to you, friend!

I don’t have the words to express my appreciation for the people in my life who I can count on to be honest with me in any and all circumstances. These are the people who I am the most open with, the people I have the best conversations with, and the people who I trust with anything and everything. Reciprocity, mutuality, and genuine caring are the essential ingredients in these relationships. It’s a balance between give-and-take, but I see the willingness to give as more important. I’ve learned that I can’t expect others to be open with me if I’m afraid to be vulnerable with them.

A few months ago, I read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown and the following line has remained with me:

Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.

Looking back on past friendships and relationships, the more truth I find in that statement. We have to allow ourselves to be seen, not just looked at. We have to be willing to be heard, not just listened to. Being vulnerable requires communication and dialogue on our part and not only on the part of the other. It’s hard. It can hurt. Often, it does.

But it is only once we’re ready for openness, honesty, and trust that we are able to see and hear others the way they deserve to be seen and heard.

After saying goodbye to Lucas and walking into work today, the lyrics of an old Barenaked Ladies song popped into my head for the first time in years. They’re true, too, for anyone I know and anyone I will know.

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I’ll point you home.

-“Call and Answer”, The Barenaked Ladies

We all want to be seen. I am so thankful for the people in my life who see me, and for those who let me see them.

For better or for worse, you’ve got a friend in me.