It’s usually when I’m listening to loud music that it finds me.
Usually when I’m sitting alone in the dark.
When I’m watching a candle burn.
It’s usually when I close my eyes and reach down into the place I pretend doesn’t exist.
Usually when I find dark reds, blues, blacks.
When I feel colors swirling.
And then I have two choices.
Choice 1: Fly. Fly out of there. Back up and into the light. Find a smile. There are flowers somewhere.
Choice 2: Fall. Fall and go wherever the fall brings. Tumble. Let the heart beat faster. Let the breathing end in a gasp.
I’m learning to cry again. It’s been a long time coming.
Growing up, I used to cry a lot. I cried when I was happy or sad or angry, always when I was angry. And because I was crying, and also because I used to laugh out of sheer emotion before I cried, I always ended up feeling embarrassed or silly. Another reason to cry.
I used to cry whenever I saw someone else crying. It didn’t matter if I knew them or not. It didn’t matter if I was watching a film or living a real life. If someone else cried, so would I.
I’m not sure when that changed. Maybe it changed when I cried every single day for a month after moving to Malaysia. Maybe I ran out of tears after that. Maybe it changed when I moved to Singapore and didn’t want to give anyone back home an excuse to say, “See? You’re unhappy. You made a terrible mistake.” I wasn’t unhappy and I hadn’t made a mistake.
Maybe I stopped crying after a lonely transition to New York City that wasn’t supposed to be that way. I started that era crying a lot and then somewhere in there, I stopped.
I remember when, as I cried yet again over the phone, the recipient of my call hung up and sent me a message saying, “I just can’t talk to you anymore.”
I never, not once, cried in front of the therapist who I paid to hear me talk and let me cry. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but that I’d run out of tears.
Or that the tears had been run out of me.
A friend told me later, “You were a lot to handle back then.”
I tried, I really tried, to be sensitive to others’ feelings and needs. I understood that I needed to be around people but that I couldn’t be around people. I couldn’t be what people needed me to be and I didn’t want to disappoint them again.
I sat in crowded cafés and bars instead. Books were quiet company. I watched. I eavesdropped. But mostly I drank my beverage and concentrated on the page in front of me.
Learning to laugh again took time but it wasn’t hard. Laughing feels good.
Learning to feel okay again meant treating myself with the compassion that I extend towards others. While harder, that felt good, too.
Learning to cry, well. Well.
I’ve been surprised, actually. It feels better than I thought. It’s a relief in many ways. And I don’t mean the tears on an airplane that I’m very familiar with. I mean the tears that come screaming from somewhere deep inside.
And the heart beats and the breath comes in a gasp. The body shakes. Hands reach out.
Please hold me.
Please hold me.
Perhaps I’ll go as far as saying that crying feels good. Or at the very least, it feels like something. It’s not the tears themselves but the release and relief that come with allowing them. I’ve put down something heavy that I didn’t realize I was holding.
There’s life to feel, life and connection and love. There’s care. I have bathed in it and come out clean and new.
There are oceans where this came from.