One of Those Evenings

Sometimes,

when it’s evening here and morning in the US,

when the gang at home is getting ready for work,

when I can’t find anything free to watch online,

those are the times I most miss home.

At the moment, I don’t feel like reading, I can’t get any TV episodes to load, and I’ve just been messaging a friend from college about her wedding this summer. At the moment the thought running through my mind is, “What the heck am I doing with my life?” (Small potatoes, I know. Yes, I’ve heard the news about California. Yes, I talked about it with my very concerned and frustrated students today.)

But in the spirit of honesty, I wanted to share that life overseas isn’t always temples, beaches, beautiful places, and tasty food. Sometimes, it’s really hard to be away. I’m not homesick, I’m just alone with my thoughts. There is a difference.

I begin to question my choices when I feel sort of blue like this. My life would be in totally different place if I were back in the US. It would be in a totally different place if my boyfriend were here. (Yes, I am insecure watching friends’ relationships move forward and mine remain 9,534 miles out of reach. Yes, I feel like I’m getting old.) There’s a void, a feeling of emptiness that rises every now and again; it’s a feeling I really don’t like.

So I’m going to stop talking about it. Instead, now that I’ve fulfilled my promise to myself to be an honest blogger, I’ll make myself a warm beverage, return to my book, and take comfort in knowing that I’ll feel better in the morning.

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