Category Archives: On My Mind

One of Those Evenings

Sometimes,

when it’s evening here and morning in the US,

when the gang at home is getting ready for work,

when I can’t find anything free to watch online,

those are the times I most miss home.

At the moment, I don’t feel like reading, I can’t get any TV episodes to load, and I’ve just been messaging a friend from college about her wedding this summer. At the moment the thought running through my mind is, “What the heck am I doing with my life?” (Small potatoes, I know. Yes, I’ve heard the news about California. Yes, I talked about it with my very concerned and frustrated students today.)

But in the spirit of honesty, I wanted to share that life overseas isn’t always temples, beaches, beautiful places, and tasty food. Sometimes, it’s really hard to be away. I’m not homesick, I’m just alone with my thoughts. There is a difference.

I begin to question my choices when I feel sort of blue like this. My life would be in totally different place if I were back in the US. It would be in a totally different place if my boyfriend were here. (Yes, I am insecure watching friends’ relationships move forward and mine remain 9,534 miles out of reach. Yes, I feel like I’m getting old.) There’s a void, a feeling of emptiness that rises every now and again; it’s a feeling I really don’t like.

So I’m going to stop talking about it. Instead, now that I’ve fulfilled my promise to myself to be an honest blogger, I’ll make myself a warm beverage, return to my book, and take comfort in knowing that I’ll feel better in the morning.

Forward

On the phone this morning, my mum pointed out that I haven’t blogged in a while. I haven’t written in my journal as often as usual, either. I started thinking about why that might be, and I feel that nothing I have to say is important compared to all of the hate the world is experiencing. My grade 10 students write up current events reports every two weeks, and some of them have already come in.

As the world is aware, it has not been a good two weeks.

My students are genuinely concerned, not just about Paris but also about Nigeria, Lebanon, ISIS, and the debate over refugees in the US. They’re concerned about potential evacuation drills, and they’re concerned about why there’s been so much violence in the world lately. One of them told me, “I wanted to find a current event that’s not about war. But I can’t.”

As I listen to student concerns, look over news articles in class, validate fears, and explain what/who/why ISIS is, I have also come to terms with my own unease. I realized this while journaling just a few minutes ago, and I thought it would be a good time for a post.

What frustrates me, and always has, is hate. Hate is not something I understand, not when it’s directed at a specific group of people (and I mean people, not monsters like ISIS, Boko Haram, or the Nazis). I understand fear, though I don’t always agree with it. However, I don’t understand the underlying racism, the hate, that accompanies fear. How is it that we don’t know better? Where did we, as educators, go wrong? Where did we, as people, as humans, go wrong? I’d expect that if asked, everyone in the people category (again, excluding monsters and their affiliates) would claim to want peace.

But we know that wanting peace isn’t enough. Peace doesn’t happen overnight. Peace needs time. It needs to be built. It needs to be strong so that it lasts.

As a student and a teacher of history, I know that peace is fragile. Peacebuilding itself is fragile. Peace is scary for some, I think, because it means letting go. It means admitting fallacy. It means apologizing when you’re in the wrong, when you’ve hurt others. It means compromise.

The way I see it, peace is the only way forward. And if we can’t build peace as a world right now for whatever reason (and I do understand the obstacles) maybe we can start by building peace within and among ourselves. We do that with children. We say things like, “Two wrongs don’t make a right!” (And we smile indulgently when cheeky kids respond with, “But two negatives make a positive!”) We tell children that “hands are not for hitting” and that it’s important to be nice to our friends. Sharing is caring, right? We teach children that everyone is unique and we teach the acceptance of difference. We teach about different cultures, different customs, and the importance of the Golden Rule. We teach friendship and respect and fairness and trustworthiness. We teach about taking risks and about trying again. We teach about perspectives and beliefs and opinions. We teach about hope for the future.

We teach children how to stop, listen, reflect, apologize, shake hands, and move forward. We teach children how to live.

As an educator, I am not in a position to negotiate world peace, and I do not envy those who are. But I do believe that it the responsibility of every person to create a better world. I became a teacher because I firmly believe that every person can play a role in doing so. In my classroom, we build peace. We communicate. We debate. We reflect. We listen and respond to one another as people, regardless of our differences. We highlight those differences to understand them, and we ask questions when we are uncertain. In my classroom, my students are safe. They are learning how to create a peaceful environment, and what it means to be a member of a community.

It is those lessons that I believe the world needs. Bombs aren’t going to stop us from hurting.

Peace, even in the smallest of ways, is our way forward.

Liars, Thieves, and the Future

My landlord is stealing from me.

I won’t bore you with the details, but there’s a repair to my air-conditioning that my landlord wants me to do. She also wants me to pay for it. This repair has been recommended by the air-conditioning company since 2013; I don’t know why no one has taken care of it before now. After first telling me she would pay for the repair in full, my landlord has now threatened to evict me if I don’t pay.

As there is no rental board in Singapore, which is actually quite surprising, my hands are tied.

We’re not talking about a lot of money, but we’re talking about enough money that I had to cancel travel plans for this weekend because I simply can’t do both.

What bothers me the most is that this landlord’s word is clearly worth nothing. It is worth nothing to her, and therefore is worth nothing to anyone else. I have it in writing that she promised to pay for this repair in full; in the US, that would be the end of the dispute. Apparently, that is not the case here. I’m irritated because I have done nothing wrong. I’m disgusted because she lied to me. I’m angry because part of the lease agreement stipulates that maintenance will be done before a tenant moves in.

This clearly did not happen.

But I’m also frustrated, because I know she’s stealing from me, she knows she’s stealing from me, and now we have to have a business relationship for the duration of my lease. Where does that leave me?

Ultimately, I’m sad because I believe in the goodness of people. I believe in doing the right thing. When I told my landlord that the air-conditioning company recommended this repair after they came for a routine check (weird law in Singapore), I was doing the right thing.

In books and movies, the good guy wins. We teach children that good triumphs over evil. However, the more time I spend in this world as an adult, the more I read the news, the more I try to help my students understand all the wrong in the world, the more I am afraid that good will not triumph over evil in the end.

And then where will we be?