I’m not much into competition, but I won today and I feel like celebrating while the win lasts. Therefore, this post.
Going to and from work today took a long time. 85 minutes there. 110 minutes back. Dark when I left and dark when I got home. Not pleasant. I was frustrated about this when I got home, frustrated because it’s supposed to rain tomorrow and I hate running in the rain, which meant I had to run today. In the dark. Again.
So I compromised. I talked myself into a short run. Less than 30 minutes. Less than 4 miles.
Okay?
Fine. If you say so.
And then I did two things that made a huge difference.
I wrote to a friend, “I’m having such a hard time.” I said a few other things, too, but admitting that I am struggling took a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying. I have talked openly about this to a few people recently, but felt physically better today.
I swapped motivational workout messages with another friend before heading out for said workout. And took a picture of my fun neon clothes. Now I had to make those clothes worth something.
I got outside, started my watch, and flew.
Flew.
For the first time in months, I was running for me. For me. Not out of anger or frustration. Not out of incompetence or inadequacy. Not away from something or towards something else. Not letting various narratives play out in my head. Just running.
For the first time in months, I didn’t pause to stare into the East River and think about how deep the water is. I didn’t look up at the bridges and think about how high they are.
I just ran.
Song in my head? “Jessie’s Girl.” That one has come up before, but I haven’t heard it in a while. I’ve always enjoyed that song. I used to listen to it thinking about how lucky that girl was to be so loved.
But tonight was different.
Tonight I thought about all the women I am so lucky to know who are so loved by so many. I thought about how beautiful they are, in all the ways. I thought about everything I admire in these women, as individuals and collectively. I was overcome with pride at having such people in my life, people I try to emulate.
I ran feeling good, happy, and whole for the first time since this nightmare began a few months ago.
I didn’t look at my watch until I got back and yes, the run was quick.
But it doesn’t even matter.
Demons, I beat you today.
And I will carry this torch with me into tomorrow.
With that song playing in the background as I write this, I am struck by the sadness that minor chords inspire. It is that feeling of sadness that keeps me drawn to Lana Del Rey’s piece, which I recently learned was written for Baz Lurhmann’s 2013 adaptation of The Great Gatsby. I very often have a song in my head that echoes what I’m doing, where I am, or how I’m feeling. There are songs I associate with certain emotions, people, or places and they arise unbidden very much like songs on a film soundtrack. Ask me about it sometime and I’ll happily tell you what’s playing!
The refrain I’ve been hearing lately is linked above. I’m actively listening to it on repeat in an effort to get it out of my head and shut off the demons that come with it. But they’re insistent, which is why I’m writing this.
Beauty Then When I was around fourteen, I walked by a mannequin in a store and sighed aloud that it would be nice to be a mannequin when I grew up. My mum and sister pounced on this and I defended myself by saying that I just wanted someone to pick out my clothes.
Admission: That wasn’t entirely truthful.
As a teenager, around the time I was seriously crushing on a boy or two or three, I was very conscious of how I looked. My eyeliner was too dark when I was finally allowed to wear it and I spent too much time worried about my non-existent hips and how my jeans made my bum look. Finding a bathing suit was torturous and I was never happy with my hair so I straightened it for a few years before finally cutting it all off to start over.
In high school, I would have described myself as “pretty” or “attractive” and maybe even “pretty attractive” on a good day. At the same time, I would have described all of my friends as “beautiful”. Being beautiful meant a lot of different things to me, even then, though it took years to develop the confidence to describe myself that way.
Being Beautiful So what does it mean to be beautiful?
It means being creative and inquisitive. There is certainly such a thing as a beautiful mind.
It means being compassionate, kind, and caring. I’m lucky to know more than a few truly beautiful souls (stay with me for the moment, even if you don’t believe in souls).
Being beautiful also means being strong, healthy, and physically fit.
Beauty means happiness. A smile is just about everyone’s best feature, especially when it’s unexpected.
It means being able to listen to others and appreciate what they have to offer.
It means confidence. It means being able to stand in front of others unapologetically and express ideas, especially when people listening will disagree.
But bubbling underneath all of those examples of real beauty is the far more superficial and completely unattainable image of a supermodel. As Lana Del Rey asks, “Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?” According to that question, what matters? Youth matters. Beauty matters. That’s what yield love. Looking at pop culture, love is what matters.
You want love? You need to be young and beautiful.
Or so I thought.
The Shift My conception of beauty underwent a fundamental shift during my first year teaching. I was teaching one section of a psychology elective and my department head and mentor was teaching the other. He suggested I show Jean Kilbourne’s documentary Killing Us Softly 4 (read about it here or purchase it here) during our unit on gender.
Jean Kilbourne discusses the ways in which advertising views women and uses ads that she has collected over the years to explore society’s obsession with physical appearance, thinness, whiteness, and youth. She argues that we have accepted cutting women into parts and displaying only legs or lips or torso, which dehumanizes women and leads to sexual violence. Kilbourne also delves into the role that Photoshop plays in creating an impossible ideal for both women and men.
Had I been exposed to such a stark analysis of the media and its advertisements in high school, I would have been a lot more confident in who I was rather than worrying about what I looked like. That is not an exaggeration.
As part of a follow-up assignment, my students and I started looking at ads. These already confident students at an all-girls secondary school brought in catalogues they received in the mail, constructively criticized the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show that was on that week, and put together a variety of pieces reflecting on their experience with the film. I don’t know for sure whether it changed their outlook on beauty, but I do know that it made them think about who they were and who they were told to be.
Beauty Now It has been a while since I was first allowed to wear eyeliner at 15. My hair is curly and I don’t own a straightening iron, my favorite makeup item is purple mascara, and my jeans are comfortable. End of story.
The unnerving soundtrack in my head, however, still playing the Lana Del Rey song, has made it clear that I am not without insecurities. I am far more adept at seeing beauty of any kind in others than I do in myself. Maybe this is because I’m a lot harder on myself than those around me.
The chorus of the song ends with, “I know you will.” The irony is that she still had to ask, as many of us do.
Seeing myself as beautiful now, though it sometimes requires effort in self-compassion, means accepting myself as I am and for who I want to be. It involves living up to the ideal that I have created for myself as one who is continuously learning and acting to make the world a better place. Considering myself beautiful means placing the greatest value on how I treat those around me and what I do to improve the world.
Are you beautiful? You are, in so many ways. The beauty that actually matters does not diminish with age. If anything, it is likely to grow along with you.
This trip was a bucket list item for me. I wasn’t able to visit Siem Reap and the Angkor temples while I was in Malaysia and there was no way I was leaving Singapore without having that experience. I’d been hoping to visit the temples while in Cambodia in February with the grade 10 students (my post about that trip is here) but that didn’t happen. So, armed with what I’d learned about Cambodian history and culture, a water bottle, and a camera, and accompanied by my friend Rachel, I visited Siem Reap and the Angkor temples over our long weekend for Good Friday. If you’re unfamiliar, take a look at this useful page from UNESCO.
It was amazing.
I cannot emphasize that enough. As we experienced in Battambang with the kids, the Cambodian people are friendly and welcoming and excited to share their culture with foreigners. Our hotel organized a tuk tuk driver who collected us from the airport, gave us a brief historical overview of Cambodia, and then drove us around the temples the following day. Kina was able to answer all of the questions that we had and constantly made sure that we were happy and comfortable. The food in Siem Reap was delicious and cheap and very vegetarian friendly – we even ate at a vegetarian restaurant our first night in town! It is so much fun to be able to order literally anything off a menu! (Is this how other people feel all the time?!)
Adorable street with shops and restaurants
Siem Reap has similar markets to elsewhere in Southeast Asia and we did a fair amount of browsing, as well as some solid purchasing. There are a number of social enterprises and NGOs around Siem Reap (I’ll reference my Battambang post again), which meant that I bought a bracelet, wristlet, dress, and a few birthday gifts in order to show my support. Yes, that is my story and yes, I am sticking to it.
But onto the important part and the entire purpose of this trip: Temples.
Everyone I talked to and every guidebook says it is worth it to visit Angkor Wat, the largest and best known of the temples, at sunrise. That meant waking up at 5, meeting Kina at 5:30, purchasing our temple pass, and eating breakfast while waiting for sun to come up. Unfortunately, the haze is slowly returning and we did not see the stunning sunrises that appear in every advertisement for Angkor Wat. But it was beautiful all the same.
I would still recommend visiting the temples at sunrise because it was rather cool and pleasant out and there were relatively few people. As the day went on, it got much hotter and much more crowded. Kina told us to spend three hours at Angkor Wat and we did. We left just as everyone else was arriving (at the very late hour of 9:30am).
Tuk tuk parking on our way out of Angkor Wat
Kina did not walk around Angkor Wat with us, and Rachel and I agreed that it was easier that way. We’d done some pre-reading in her guidebook the night before and I’ve taught about the Khmer Empire in the past so we were happy to simply explore and enjoy the architecture. We climbed up many flights of stairs, modern but not up to Western safety standards, and were able to look down on our surroundings. I could not stop taking pictures! It’s taken me three nights of editing and curating to even get to the point of writing this post.
The painted stone, carvings and motifs, and sheer size and scale of Angkor Wat all took me by surprise. I was utterly delighted with the beauty of the stone, with its solidity and sense of permanence; I must have said “Wow” a hundred times. The intricacy and detail that went into the design of the temples clearly indicates the care, hopefully love, and presumably desire for power that are all part of Angkor Wat. Spending time among Khmer history, culture, tradition, and temples still standing after 1,000 years made me wonder about what we build and create today. Will our structures be standing in 1,000 years? Will our writings, digital as they often are, remain for future generations?
Again, I did not understand the scope and scale of the temples at all. They are massive and stretch over 400km, which I didn’t realize until we arrived.
After our three hours at Angkor Wat, we met up with Kina and he took us on a short drive to Angkor Thom.
These soldiers guard the way to Angkor ThomI really loved the enterprising lady selling fruit shakes as we waited in line. Yes, her cart is a tuk tuk.Tuk tuk traffic on the way to Angkor Thom
Kina gave us two hours to wander through the Angkor Thom complex. We encountered even more and steeper stairs than we had previously and the weather was a lot sunnier and a lot hotter. There were also a lot more people. The most amazing part about Angkor Thom for me was the well-known Bayon temple, also known colloquially as “the faces temple.” I loved that each carved face was different. It actually felt like there were eyes looking down on us as we gazed up at them. It was sobering, in a sense, to be surrounded by people and feel pierced by stone eyes that are 1,000 years old. The sheer size of the faces was once again a surprise.
And, of course, the colors and symbols were beautiful:
The other temples at Angkor Thom are less famous than Bayon, but similarly beautiful. Lots of climbing here, too!
Our walk through Ankgor Thom to find Kina gave us a little taste of what we would see later at Ta Prohm.
Our third and final temple was Ta Prohm, better known as the Tomb Raider Temple. As in the movie. With Angelina Jolie. We ended up had dinner at a restaurant called the Red Piano, which Ms. Jolie apparently frequents when in town. Naturally, we each sampled a Tomb Raider cocktail. Rachel lucked out and got a free one (presented to her with the loud ringing of a bell) because every tenth Tomb Raider at the Red Piano is free!
But I digress.
It was hot by the time we made it to Ta Prohm and we were tired. We discussed heading back to the hotel to cool off and relax (remember that we’d been up since 5am) but neither of us felt like we’d be excited about returning to the temples the next morning so we decided to just go for it. This would be the biggest advantage of a three-day pass, I think. Plan on getting up early, going to temples for a few hours, and getting to bed early that night. Temple fatigue would likely not come on as strongly that way.
Ta Prohm was really different from Angkor Wat or Angkor Thom because of the trees. It’s quite overgrown and really does have a very creepy atmosphere as a result. We walked through Ta Prohm much more quickly than the previous temples but did enjoy the massive trees growing up and over the stone.
We actually made it back to the tuk tuk before Kina who had not suggested any sort of time guidelines for Ta Prohm (he was spot on with the other two). I expect we were there for roughly an hour. Kina tried to talk us into seeing more temples that afternoon but we were rather done by that point. Sitting in air-conditioning for a while and getting something to eat were tempting propositions.
We succumbed to temptation and it felt great.
Here are my general recommendations if you’re planning a trip:
Before you go . . .
Buy extra bottled water at a mini-mart that you can keep in the tuk tuk (they sell water and refreshments at the temples but it’s expensive and less convenient)
Buy some nuts and dried fruit at the same mini-mart
Hire a tuk tuk driver
When you’re there . . .
Do the sunrise thing
Cover your knees and shoulders (everything I wore was tech and that worked well for me; Rachel had a coverup top for her tank top, which she said got sweaty)
Rachel would recommend a hat (I don’t do hats ’cause they make me look like I’m 16 but she was glad she had it)
Be prepared to climb (so you’ll need appropriate shoes – I had Tevas and Rachel had Toms and we were very happy with those decisions)
There are a few entry pass options for visiting the temples. We bought the one-day pass for $20. You can buy a pass after 4pm for the following day if you’re so inclined. We knew we would only be there for a maximum of two days so there was no financial incentive for us to buy the three-day pass, which is $40. As I mentioned above, if you think a few hours over a few mornings will work for you, buy the three-day pass. It is substantially cooler in the mornings (as in, I was a bit chilly in my t-shirt and leggings when we left the hotel and couldn’t even remember what chilly meant by the time we got back) and a lot less crowded. I believe there’s also a seven-day pass available.
I normally don’t mind traveling alone, but I was particularly glad to have Rachel with me for this adventure. She’s a wonderful photographer and it was fun to follow her around to see how and what she photographed. I also really enjoyed sharing this experience with someone else. As much as I do enjoy solitude and personal reflection every so often (see the post about my trip to Ubud), I think my time in Siem Reap and visiting the Angkor temples was so delightful because I was able to point out what I thought was cool, hear what someone else thought was cool, and just exclaim aloud. It gets a little weird doing that alone. Rachel and I laughed and talked all weekend long, which is exactly how I hoped to spend my three days away. I came back to Singapore feeling happy and rejuvenated, which is precisely the point of a holiday.
Photos, travels, musings, and ideas on education by someone trying to make the world a better and more peaceful place
By Rebecca Michelle 