Tag Archives: Family

On My Mind

Dance. Share love. Forgive.

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I’m not a big fan of “stuff”. The more I move around, the less I want to own things that I have to move from place to place. The less I want to own things in general, really. If I can’t or won’t transport it, whatever it is, I just don’t need it in the first place. If I haven’t worn it in a year, forgot I had it, or have other things that could substitute for it, that’s one more item I can donate to someone who might find it useful.

There are exceptions, of course. I have a few boxes of memories in my parents’ basement. Photos, dolls and children’s books I’ve been saving “for someday”, thirteen years of yearbooks, textbooks from college and graduate school that I might reference if I ever pursue a doctorate.

Overall, though, I make an effort to use what I have and think very carefully before I buy anything new. Again, there are exceptions. Namely for books.

I’ve been thinking about consumerism a lot lately because it’s that time of year where we turn from being thankful for what we have to becoming obsessed with acquiring more.

I had to laugh when I first saw this. Original from here.

Back in February I spent a long weekend in Ubud, Bali, recuperating from a week in Battambang, Cambodia with the grade ten students at my school. It was a deliciously relaxing three-day period in which I did yoga, walked for hours, ate delicious food, made photographs, read a lot, and wrote even more.

While exploring Ubud, I wandered into more than a few jewelry stores. I’ve always admired really classic pieces that are elegant, subtle, go with everything, and will never go out of style. Bali produces a lot of silver, my favorite metal because of its versatility. It took me three trips to the same store to look at the same necklace before I finally decided to buy it.

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I wore that necklace to school today and a couple of my students asked what it said. I turned over each side and read it aloud to them, “Dance. Share love. Forgive.”

Dance.

Share love.

Forgive.

Dance.

Share love.

Forgive.

Repeat.

That’s what living is all about. That’s what the holiday season, the sprint between Thanksgiving and Christmas (regardless of whether you personally celebrate), really should be about.

It’s the middle of December.

People are excited about the time of year, perhaps anxious about entertaining family members and friends, finalizing travel plans, and looking for ideas of what to give those they love. We all aim for something meaningful, something that is put out on display and remembered rather than something that ends up shoved in the back of the closet, regifted, or donated. We want to express our love towards the people in our lives through actions (love is a verb!) rather than presenting our people with “stuff” in the hopes that they find a use for it. We want to do something that shows our people that we hear them, we’re listening, we’re there for them, we understand, we care.

For the last year, I’ve made donations to several organizations (including GiveWell, Against Malaria, SCI, and CARE) in honor of a number of people in my life for a variety of gift-giving occasions. All of those people have told me that they were, indeed, honored. They were glad that they’d helped others who need it, glad that they could play a role in improving society for all.

I find immense value in cultivating connections with others in our increasingly fractured world. I am willing to argue that human connection is the greatest gift we can all give or receive. Ten months ago, I bought a necklace to remind me. Today, I remembered.

Dance. We are, all of us, trying to create a world where we can live peacefully, eat well, sleep soundly, fulfill our desires, learn endlessly, and be our best selves as frequently as possible.

Share love. We have the ability to give in everything that we do. We can share anything from a smile to a good book, from an idea to a call to action. The positive things that we do for ourselves and those around us are acts of love. They are easy and cost nothing.

Forgive. We owe it to ourselves to move forward, to the greatest extent that we can. Dialogue and reconciliation about what has hurt us can free us from those feelings, form common ground from difference, and allow us to turn our energies elsewhere.

In the frenzy of the weeks ahead, I will be doing my best to remain grounded and to give what I can in the ways that I can. I encourage all of you to join me and to do the same. Together, we can create the world that we all deserve to inhabit.

To my students, today and every day, thank you for reminding me about what counts.

Who would we be if we could not sympathize with those who are not us or ours? Who would we be if we could not forget ourselves, at least some of the time? Who would we be if we could not learn? Forgive? Become something other than we are? – Susan Sontag

New York

City Living

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Last week was the busiest week I’ve had since I moved here and it was great!

Monday was my night at home and therefore the only night I went to bed at a reasonable hour.

On Tuesday, my roommate and I had dinner at Raclette, a very cool restaurant in the East Village that highlights raclette cheese in all of its dishes. Not a good place for those with sensitivities to dairy. Delicious for the rest of us.

On Wednesday, Ally and I saw The Great Comet at the Imperial Theatre. It was my third Broadway show ever and it was amazing. The show is a beautifully presented adaptation of part of Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace. The set and costumes were visually appealing, the music was engaging, exciting, and surprising, and the story itself was compelling. We laughed, looked around in sheer shock, experienced a lengthy strobe light sequence, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. And we had Thai food before the show, which was also delicious. Lots of good eating this week!

Thursday had me back in Times Square to meet up with my brother, who was in town for the night because of a networking event organized by the business school at his college. He had no recollection of ever visiting New York as a kid. It was a delight to see the city through his eyes and hear his observations about everything I’ve ceased to notice, like off-leash dogs, the “mixed retail” of apartments, restaurants, and businesses, and the constant noise pollution from traffic.

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My parents were in town for the weekend, which was just so comforting in every way. I am alone a lot on the weekends and I was very glad to be with the two people who probably care about me the most. They’re both been to New York as tourists more than a few times so we largely wandered around in the sunshine with a few food-related destinations in mind. We ate a lot: Bar Virage, Shilla Restaurant, Glaser’s Bake Shop, North Square, The Coffee Shop, and Breads Bakery.

We also, however, visited the 9/11 Memorial Saturday morning, which was really moving. I was in sixth grade on September 11, 2001. That was when I learned that war existed outside of history books. That was when I learned that there are people in this world who aim to harm those around them. That was when I learned that growing up without knowing this was a privilege.

Survivor Tree
White roses are a birthday tribute by family members
From inside the Mall

9/11 changed the world. My students have grown up never knowing the peace and security that I knew as a child. They have never been blissfully ignorant of war, suffering, terror, and fear. It is vexing to me that we do so little to emphasize the importance of peace and dialogue in our schools and in our societies.

I would recommend a visit to the 9/11 Memorial not only as a tribute, but also as a way of starting a conversation about the world we want to build and how to do it.

The parents and I reflected on 9/11 as we walked through the city together. None of us had ever been inside, so we briefly stopped into St. Patrick’s to look around:

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I love religious architecture because it prompts me to think about the people who did the work. I wonder whether the financial, labor, and time contributions were voluntary or forced, a product of devotion or duty. My favorite book about precisely this is Pillars of the Earth. It’s a novel and it’s excellent.

Speaking of books, we also made a visit to The Strand. I love it there but have yet to master the art of browsing without buying.

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So many books!

I walked away with Sex at Dawn, which I first spotted on my last visit to The Strand a few weeks ago. I’m currently in the middle of three other books (Empowering Global Citizens, Moral Failure, and Tender is the Night) so it will be a bit until I open it. All of this alone time, while not my preference, has been rather productive in terms of reading and learning.

It was nice to experience being in New York with a wide range of people this week. It makes me somewhat nostalgic for what could have been, but also anticipatory about what can be. I’m now into my fourth month here and things are still difficult; I wasn’t prepared for such an adjustment and I’m trying really hard. This week, I was glad to be around people who reminded me what’s possible.

On My Mind

Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Listening

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Yesterday was Canadian Thanksgiving, which my family has not celebrated since we moved to the US and the US version of Thanksgiving became my mum’s favorite holiday. It has been years since I started keeping track (sorry about the photos!) of who or what I’m grateful for on a daily basis, and this is as good a time as any to make some of those thoughts public.

I am grateful for the family and friends who have held me up over the past year during which I’ve made some really hard choices and have restarted everything – twice. I am grateful to those who stand beside me as I continue to make choices about what to do next.

I am grateful for the technology that allows me to keep in touch with people all over the world from anywhere in the world.

I am grateful for the people I’ve called at all hours when I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and couldn’t see tomorrow. I am grateful for those who have reached out just to see how things are going.

I am grateful for everyone who has helped in the three big moves that I’ve made over the last twelve months. Sorry that my book boxes were so heavy!

I am grateful for all the people who make me laugh, certainly including my students. I am grateful for the compassion of those who have seen me cry (including a group of grade ten students in Cambodia).

I am grateful for everyone who has helped me learn and grow, and who believe in me when I don’t believe in myself.

I am grateful for my travel experiences and all the travel partners I’ve had along the way.

I am grateful for the roof over my head, clothes in my closet, food in the fridge, and for getting paid to do my favorite thing – teach.

For all this and more, I am grateful and I thank you.

These reflections leave me acutely aware that today is Erev Yom Kippur, the night before the Day of Atonement on the Jewish calendar. (I’m a huge fan of this website for all things Judaism, so have a look if you want to investigate Yom Kippur further.) Since I’m teaching at a Jewish day school this year, I have time off for all the Jewish holidays, which is the first time that has happened since my own day school days. Overseas, I struggled to get the time to be part of a religious community, which is really important to me. With the tumultuousness I’ve been experiencing lately, I’m glad to have one fewer thing keeping me up at night.

Yom Kippur is considered the holiest day on the Jewish calendar. It is a day of self-reflection, connection with others, and an exploration of individual spiritual relationships. Judaism teaches that the only way to be forgiven for wronging other people is to seek their forgiveness. The goal is to begin a new year with a clean slate based on the new connection formed between both parties.

Forgiveness changes who we are because we are required to relate to each other in uncomfortable ways. Not only am I admitting what I have done wrong, but I am asking your forgiveness because I care about you, about myself, and about our relationship. It’s easy to brush off a negative conversation, walk away, and never mention it again. Acknowledging that someone has been left hurt, when that happens, means looking outside yourself to the impact your actions have on others.

It is very important, however, to keep in mind that many things that we do cause harm, pain, or discomfort. There’s a huge difference between actions and words that are malicious and those that hurt because of misunderstanding or miscommunication. While I am by no means advocating avoiding challenging and uncomfortable conversations, I do believe that my responsibility over the course of these conversations is to talk with you rather than at you, listen to and hear what you are saying, and respond to your ideas without attacking you personally.

When I don’t do that, I will ask your forgiveness. I will not apologize for my ideas or perspectives, but I will apologize for the way I treated you during our conversation. I have learned that the most difficult conversations need to be had sooner rather than later, with open minds and care towards others.

I believe this is important, especially in such a corrosive political climate. There’s a lot to be said about Hillary Clinton’s experience and policy proposals over Trump’s shockingly violent, hateful rhetoric. But there are also ways to have these conversations so as to actually hear one another.

On our way home from school last week, my carpool friends and I discussed our own failures to listen to and hear the other side. In our case, we’re too quick to dismiss Trump supporters as “crazy” or “ignorant”. What we need to do instead is provide evidence for why we believe what we believe and ask for their evidence in return. When political conversations move towards facts and evidence and away from personal feelings, we all learn a lot more. And we’ll cause a lot less anger, hate, and violence towards each other as a result.