Tag Archives: Reflection

On My Mind

Soapbox

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There’s a great deal of value in doing what is right simply for that – because it’s right. I’m lucky enough to teach at a school in which my students, for the most part, do the right thing. Maybe that’s because it’s a single-sex environment, maybe that’s because it’s a parochial environment, or maybe that’s because most people, when push comes to shove, understand the difference between right and wrong. I have to believe that most people, when faced with something bad, will try to do good.

However, I also know that that’s not always the case. I understand that doing the right thing sometimes means putting oneself or one’s family in danger, and I don’t advocate for that. For example, during the Holocaust, the people who rescued the most Jews (hid them, made fake passports, smuggled them across borders, etc.) were young, single men. Why? No families. No dependents. Fewer worries.

I do not blame those who don’t speak out for fear of very well repercussions. I do blame those who actively try to make others miserable in any situation.

But again, I have to hope that there’s more good in this world than bad. There’s an excellent BuzzFeed article (linked below) from January 2012 that I read, cried over, laughed at, and bookmarked. I look at it every now and then. I cry. I laugh. In a world filled with conflict, hate, poverty, and fear, it’s nice to remember that there’s also hope and love and compassion.

On My Mind

Musings While Shoveling Snow

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about time. There are only a few months until I move for my new job and there are so many things I want to do before I leave! Five months is definitely not enough time to do all of them, but I’ll be back. This is home, after all.

There’s also a lot that I’m going to miss when I’m gone. I don’t really know what I’m walking into all the way around the world (honestly, why couldn’t I just get a job halfway around the world?) but I do know that it’s nothing like what I have here. It’s probably easier if I make a list of what I won’t miss:

Things I Will Not Miss When I Move
-Shoveling snow (the act of which led me to brainstorm and write this post)
-Bitter cold winds
-Weather that goes from beautiful (yesterday) to trapped inside because of a blizzard (today)

I honestly think I’m going to miss everything else. Someone remind me, why am I going?

To teach at an international school. Right. Got it.

Things I Will Miss When I Move
Anything not on the first list including, but not limited to, the following:
-My books
-Having a roommate (Shay, Mary, Emilia, it’s been pretty great)
-Shabbat dinners with my family
-My family
-Living in a 1920s house with stained glass windows (at which I am currently staring), a window seat (on which I am currently sitting), and a front porch (on which I wish I were sitting)
-All four seasons (though not the windy, shoveling parts)
-Wegmans
-Being anywhere in town in 20 minutes or less
-The Genesee River and Erie Canal
-My current jobs
-Friends who are close by
-Friends who are not close by but will be even farther away once I move
-Cute winter clothes and boots

I could go on, but I think you get the point. I don’t know yet what I’m going to have or have access to abroad, so I guess I shouldn’t pontificate about what I’ll miss; for all I know, there are more similarities than differences.

Something tells me I’m wrong about that. But I also know that I’m going on an adventure. No one says I have to stay forever. I’ll be gone two years and four months, and then I’ll either come home or go somewhere else. I’m 24 years old, my family is grudgingly supportive, and my boyfriend is actively job seeking. A friend mentioned that stars don’t align by accident.

I really hope she’s right.

On My Mind

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend.

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If you’ve never heard the old (relatively speaking) song “How to Save a Life” by The Fray, go ahead and listen.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to grow up, about how friends go in and out as people change. Is it okay to drift away from people who have known us since way back when? Is it okay to find people who understand us better than those friends ever could? I tell myself, “Of course that’s okay. That’s how we live. That’s how we grow.”

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

I trace my life back through the friends I’ve had and friends I have, friends who were once mere acquaintances, and acquaintances who I once called friends. I used to make friends on my own, but recently I’ve come to rely much more on other people, and the friends that they bring into my circles. My friendship circles are smaller, but also larger; diverse, but also eerily similar. I wonder how that happens.

In some senses, I know when it’s time to let someone go and I know when it’s time to let someone in. (Admittedly, however, my favorite people are the ones with whom I’ve grown closer naturally; those are the friendships that leave us laughing about how we possibly got here.) What is hard for me, however, is watching friends drift away. Sometimes, it’s a mutual drift in which all parties recognize a natural parting of ways, remain in touch, and catch up on occasion. Other times, it’s a one-sided drift in which one party holds on frantically, afraid of what’s going to happen if he or she lets go.

A little over a year ago, a very dear friend and I stopped speaking. I’m not sure when it happened, how, or why, but I do know that I tried to pull her back. And I do know that she resisted. I was angry for a while, then sad. I was disappointed, I was hurt. I’m still sad because I loved her like a sister, but I’m not angry. People grow, people change, and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. If she ever needs anything, I’m here for her. In a crisis, I’m sure she’d be there for me. But rather than dwell on that, I’ve put my energies into new groups, new friendships. People grow, people change…. Right?

Nevertheless, it’s hard to say goodbye to someone who knew me way back when.

“Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.” – “How to Save a Life”, The Fray