Avoidance

It’s always interesting to watch myself when I’m afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I start to feel really busy in the sense that I have things to do that I normally enjoy, but are now part of a list to keep me doing something.

Exhibit A: Write this instead of close the laptop and spend some time with my thoughts.

What might happen if I do that, if I put away the distraction that helps me avoid addressing what’s going on in my head?

There are several things I could do that are not digital, let’s be clear. I could concoct something in the kitchen, I could run through some language flashcards, I could start practicing a new guitar song. But I’m not doing those things because those are things I love, not activities I want to hide behind.

Instead I’m writing this blog post, in which I am acknowledging that I am avoiding something and doing a rather excellent job of not attending to it.

And I laugh at myself because while this is deeply personal, it also helps me feel a lot better.

And now I can move on, explore the contents of my thoughts, and pursue the things I enjoy.

Sometimes it’s enough to say, “There is something bothering me.”

Sometimes it’s enough to shout secrets from the rooftops, even if there’s no one there listening.

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