Tag Archives: Running

On My Mind

Tiny Win

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I’m not much into competition, but I won today and I feel like celebrating while the win lasts. Therefore, this post.

Going to and from work today took a long time. 85 minutes there. 110 minutes back. Dark when I left and dark when I got home. Not pleasant. I was frustrated about this when I got home, frustrated because it’s supposed to rain tomorrow and I hate running in the rain, which meant I had to run today. In the dark. Again.

So I compromised. I talked myself into a short run. Less than 30 minutes. Less than 4 miles.

Okay?

Fine. If you say so.

And then I did two things that made a huge difference.

  1. I wrote to a friend, “I’m having such a hard time.” I said a few other things, too, but admitting that I am struggling took a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying. I have talked openly about this to a few people recently, but felt physically better today.
  2. I swapped motivational workout messages with another friend before heading out for said workout. And took a picture of my fun neon clothes. Now I had to make those clothes worth something.

I got outside, started my watch, and flew.

Flew.

For the first time in months, I was running for me. For me. Not out of anger or frustration. Not out of incompetence or inadequacy. Not away from something or towards something else. Not letting various narratives play out in my head. Just running.

For the first time in months, I didn’t pause to stare into the East River and think about how deep the water is. I didn’t look up at the bridges and think about how high they are.

I just ran.

Song in my head? “Jessie’s Girl.” That one has come up before, but I haven’t heard it in a while. I’ve always enjoyed that song. I used to listen to it thinking about how lucky that girl was to be so loved.

But tonight was different.

Tonight I thought about all the women I am so lucky to know who are so loved by so many. I thought about how beautiful they are, in all the ways. I thought about everything I admire in these women, as individuals and collectively. I was overcome with pride at having such people in my life, people I try to emulate.

I ran feeling good, happy, and whole for the first time since this nightmare began a few months ago.

I didn’t look at my watch until I got back and yes, the run was quick.

But it doesn’t even matter.

Demons, I beat you today.

And I will carry this torch with me into tomorrow.

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On My Mind

Rainy Sunday

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Today is cold, gray, and wet. I bundled up in my navy raincoat, plaid scarf, and flowered Doc Martens I’ve had since college and I was still cold. The air was full of the dampness that goes straight to the bones. After two years in Southeast Asia, I’m not so good at damp or cold. That’s going to take some practice. Nothing like trial by fire, right? (Except in this case it’s trial by rain.)

Today is also lonely. I woke up knowing I would spend the day by myself, which is fine when that’s what I want to do. When I want to be around people, engage in meaningful conversation, and share myself with others I find it very difficult to be in own company. That’s the kind of feeling I had today when I woke up, which took me by surprise because I spent almost all of yesterday with a friend.

I fought the urge to cuddle back underneath the sheets when my alarm went off just to shorten the amount of time I’d have to spend alone. But I’ve been down this road before so I know better than that. I forced myself out of bed and outside for a quick, cold, wet run. Did yoga to return some heat to my joints. Left the house.

That’s key. Leave the house. It’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of rumination and distasteful self-pity when alone in my apartment. When I’m out, even when I’m out by myself, there are people to watch, conversations to overhear, places to go.

Made my way to the library to pick up George Orwell’s 1984. I’ve never read it and although I’m in the middle of two other books right now (What Kind of Creatures Are We? by Noam Chomsky and How Happy Became Homosexual by Howard Richler) today felt like a “curl up with a novel” sort of day. That’s something I’m always happy to do alone.

And by alone I mean in the company of strangers and a cup of coffee at B Cup Café in the East Village.

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I certainly wasn’t the only one waiting out the rain with a hot beverage!

The music, atmosphere, and food options were good enough for me to order a second coffee and a breakfast wrap for lunch. Breakfast is delicious at all times of day.

That’s when I ran into the problem of what to do next. There’s only so much caffeine one can drink in a day. And I’m bad at sitting.

So I headed home. Stopped at the farmers’ market to pick up some things on the way. Put on Bon Iver’s new album (again). Thought about all the times over the past 12 months that I’d been lonely and told myself all that would end when I moved to New York.

Thought about how wrong I was.

On the bright side, I’ve had a lot of time to think. Time that I desperately needed. I don’t know whether I’m in a better place now than I was in August, but I do know that I’m in a different place. That’s definitely a step in the right direction, though I don’t know what direction that is.

Maybe this time alone will help me figure it out.

New York

In Motion

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About a month after I moved to New York City, I moved apartments. Always something new, right? Presumably, however, I’ll be in this apartment until the end of the school year. At that point, it’s anyone’s guess.

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I feel a bit like the Smurf on this truck – bursting out of chaos into . . . whatever happens to be there.

Although I’m much farther downtown now, which is not terribly convenient for work, there is a lot to like about the GI Bill-era neighborhood where I currently live. Firstly, it’s like living in a park. There are trees, green spaces, basketball courts, tennis courts, actual playgrounds for kids, and a gym, library, and café. There’s also a farmers’ market on Sundays selling everything from wine to fresh seafood to organic produce, which has been absolutely delightful. Since this complex was built at a time when space was at less of a premium than it is now, my apartment is spacious and bright. I look out onto the Empire State Building to one side and more trees on the other. The kitchen could use about 50 years of updates, but it’ll do. I made vegetable paella last night, so I really can’t complain.

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The building behind this church belongs to NYU. There’s a lot of mixed construction everywhere. I guess that’s what happens in a city that sells underground, ground, and air space.

Since I’m too far from Central Park to run there on a regular basis I’ve taken to running along the East River. Heading north leads me through a lot of construction but also past the UN headquarters, which is just cool.

I prefer the route heading south towards the Brooklyn Bridge, however. I pass through the Lower East Side (witnessed a rap show over the weekend in which a key line was “in the LES we care for our friends”) and get pretty close to Chinatown (there’s usually some traditional music and dance and even an outdoor fitness park where I stop to do pull-ups).

My route also takes me past a community of people who make their home under one of the bridges, which makes me sad every time I pass by. Homelessness is rampant here and only increasing. It’s very visible so one can’t pretend it doesn’t exist, but no one seems to care. That’s been difficult for me to understand, especially considering the opulence that occupies many of the same spaces.

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Beautiful old building that I think is in Chelsea. I walked around a lot this weekend and I’m still learning the neighborhoods!

As I stumble through this city, I find myself asking seemingly endless questions about my surroundings. When I’m with other people, I ask those questions out loud. When I’m not, I take pictures that hopefully remind me to do my own research. For example, I passed a building with this display a few weeks ago:

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I didn’t know the answer to the question “WHAT is THEOSOPHY?” and did the thing all skeptics do before attending free meetings in which all are welcome. I Googled it.

The very helpful Merriam-Webster defines theosophy as “1)  teaching about God and the world based on mystical insight; 2) the teachings of a modern movement originating in the United States in 1875 and following chiefly Buddhist and Brahmanic theories especially of pantheistic evolution and reincarnation”. HP Blavatsky honestly sounds like someone I’d want at a dinner table at least once, but I’m going to skip the meetings for now.

 

Though I’m feeling rather adrift, I am trying to take the time to pause, look around, and take in where I am and what I’m doing. There’s a lot to learn about any new place and adjustments take time.

Throughout this transition, I’ve tried to  remind myself of the importance of compassion, particularly self-compassion. Some days I’m more successful than others.

Today was one of those days.