Category Archives: On My Mind

On My Mind

Lightbulbs (and the stark reality of independence)

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I’m speaking quite literally here. Two of the lightbulbs in my rather fancy light fixture in the living room have burnt out and I need help replacing them. I am 5 feet and one and a half inches tall. Standing on my coffee table puts me nowhere near the light. It would probably behoove me to buy a step ladder, but that would involve buying a step ladder. Considering I know my days in this apartment are numbered, I’m not keen on spending any more money than I have to in order to live comfortably.

That being said, trying to read when two of five lightbulbs in the only light fixture anywhere near the couch have burnt out is not exactly comfortable. I have to admit, I’m relying on the fact that my dad is coming to visit in just over two weeks. If he weren’t . . . I’d probably just have a few tall friends over and see what they could accomplish while standing on the coffee table.

In all seriousness, though, I like to think of myself as an independent woman. In most ways, I am. I could easily fix this myself. However, I’m making the conscious decision not to.

And I’m not sure why.

The first lightbulb burnt out about two weeks ago, and that’s when I first thought, “Well, at least Dad’s coming.”

I think that in some ways, we all like to be helped and, conversely, to be needed. The roles that we are accustomed to playing are comfortable for us and help preserve the status quo or social norms govern our lives. There’s all sorts of research on sibling relationships and birth order to suggest that.

In my DP Psych class, we’ve been talking about situational and dispositional factors that influence behavior. In this particular case, dispositional factors are influencing my decision to squint at my book for the next two and some weeks before my dad arrives and changes my lightbulbs. It’s been a while since I’ve let someone take care of me; it’s been a while since I’ve let myself simply be someone’s child.

Even though I chose to live halfway around the world and I live alone, I miss that.

Update: Upon further reflection, I decided that my behavior described above is both ridiculous and unacceptable. Today after school I popped into a Chinese supermarket (though really the only thing “super” about it is its wine prices) and bought two new lightbulbs. I set a very sturdy kitchen chair on top of the coffee table, which is so heavy I can’t even move it, and managed to replace the lightbulbs. Hooray for independence!

On My Mind

Devastated

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I’m planning a trip to Bangkok for October when my dad visits, and I thought I’d revisit my Bangkok post to see exactly what Mitch and I did. As I looked through the post, I realized that the photos were gone. I realized that years of photos, including my 365 photos project, are gone. That’s because I ran out of media storage space on this blog ages ago and deleted a bunch of photos from old blog posts from the media library. I thought they would be saved because the posts were already published.

I was wrong.

They’re all gone.

I’ve been keeping this blog since 2012 and I have nothing to show for it. My entire 365 photos project is gone; those photos were lost on my computer when I had to transfer most of my files to an external hard drive last year because I ran out of storage space. I can’t find them on the external hard drive, which means I must have deleted them because I figured I could always pull them off my blog.

It’s times like this when I wish I had a film camera. It’s times like this when I wish I made photo albums or scrapbooks instead of storing everything online.

I’ve always wondered why regular blogs, like mine, have domain names that they pay for. Now I know why: Storage space.

To say I want to cry is an understatement. I feel empty, like I’ve lost part of who I was. I can’t point to anything I’ve done or tried to do because it’s all gone.

Education, On My Mind

Choices

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I’m Jewish.

Among other things, that means I celebrate holidays that most people can’t pronounce. That also means my holidays aren’t included on most calendars. As a student, I always had to inform my teachers of the days I’d be out for Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement). I was lucky in that I never had to explain myself; my teachers were aware of a) the existence of my holidays and b) my need and right to miss class to practice my religion.

When I moved to Malaysia, I wasn’t allowed to be Jewish. I wasn’t able to practice my religion. I had to go to work over Rosh Hashanah because I wasn’t allowed to miss work without medical documentation; I certainly was not going to spend the holiday in a doctor’s office faking stomach cramps. Yom Kippur fell on a Saturday, and while I couldn’t go to synagogue, I could pray on my own.

Now that I’m in Singapore, I had (note the past tense) different expectations. Considering the amount of diversity here in Singapore, particularly the diversity in an international school with a student body from over 60 countries, I did not anticipate having trouble obtaining recognition of my religious rights and freedoms.

But I’m having trouble.

My school does not allow paid sick days until the fourth month of our contracts, which means that I can’t be sick and get paid until November 1. This is ridiculous for multiple reasons, but mostly because we work with kids, all of whom are sick right now. That aside, I checked with HR to see if I could take time off and be paid for religious reasons in the first three months of the school year. HR said no, but a colleague encouraged me to take the question to the superintendent. In what I think was a very well-worded email, I expressed my disappointed with HR’s response and explained how upsetting it is to choose between pay and adhering to religious principles. I went as far as to “respectfully ask for a reconsideration of this policy.” (I didn’t point out that we have Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist holidays off, which probably covers 99% of staff.) The superintendent assured me he would discuss it with HR and get back to me.

Two days later, I got an email apologizing and saying that school was unable to adjust the policy because, in a multicultural environment, they did not want to be seen as favoring one religion over another.

I didn’t point out that they were doing exactly that simply by following the existing calendar.

I didn’t point out that this wouldn’t be an issue if the holidays fell later in the year when I could take paid sick days.

I didn’t point out that I am now being treated differently than other members of staff.

I didn’t point out any of that because there’s no point. School has clear made a decision, and that decision reflects who the people in charge are and what they seem valuable. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that the query is now on record and it might help someone else in the future. I do feel discriminated against and I do feel misunderstood. While I understand the need for consistency in HR policies, I also understand the need to treat everyone fairly.

Fair, however, does not always mean equal.